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I was feeling really bad.  I was feeling really, really bad. 

You see, a year ago, I got spiritual.  I prayed to Holy Spirit, asked for anointing and asked for one gift….wisdom.  I wanted discernment. 

Be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it. 

This past year of my life has been a circus, a shit show, a train wreck of epic proportions and mostly driven by acquiring this new gift.  Because discernment gives you self-awareness.  And being aware…can really, really mess your life up. You see stuff.  You see stuff you don’t want to see and you can’t unsee it.  Sometimes you keep it in that you see it and sometimes you blow up emotionally cause you get righteous anger or you’re straight frustrated with something you saw.  You try to keep the peace.  You try to go with the flow.  But then you see that someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.  You try to compromise.  You try to work it out but you can’t unsee what you clearly see that others might not see or pretend they don’t see or go along with. 

Sometimes it’s best not to see.  Ignorance is bliss so they say.

I am neurodivurgent.  I am 45.  I spent my whole life thinking I thought like other people thought and acted like other people did and had the same intentions and motivations.  When I became self-aware and more discerning….I realized I was wrong, dead wrong….dead, dead, dead wrong. 

I began to see things I was ignorant of before, blissfully ignorant of and God started dismantling my beliefs and truths of the world around me and it was a brutal and painful turmoil of a lesson over the past year.  Honestly, it has been quite disruptive to finally awaken to body language better and be able to read into things deeper.  As this happened, my mind too has developed abilities I didn’t have before like almost a little bit of clair abilities.  It honestly has been both frightening and disturbing to sometimes understand stuff like a premonition before it happens or see what someone might do ahead of time by watching their actions and movements. I have had strange spiritual moments in the past year where I just knew stuff.  Out of the blue with no explanation knew stuff.

This new gift has been hard and I want to send it back. 

I got super disappointed.  I became self-aware and realized that while I was lovebombing friends and family caring for them, I in fact was having the opposite effect repelling them.  People have avoided me my whole life.  People literally have treated me like a pesky mosquito annoyance.  Sometimes now I see they get this look when I come near like they want to roll a newspaper and swat me. 

I am neurodivurgent and loving.  I thought it was one way.  When I got discernment, I realized it was another way and it dawned on me like an epiphany, like a light bulb turning on above me.  My eyes widened and I stepped back and said, “Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Wait…”

“Damn.”

And then I got quiet.  More and more quiet. 

And the betrayals I saw felt real, real bad.  I began to slowly process my past and realize what really happened when this happened here and that happened there.  And as I learned more, I began to recoil and withdraw. and as I withdrew, people said I was ghosting and got even madder at me and as a neurodivurgent I got more and more confused. 

Wisdom is not a blessing.  It is a curse. 

I got to the point of deep realization to the point I said, “God, why on Earth, would you have allowed this to happen and for so very long? This is painful to learn way, way, way after the fact.  Like why do I need to finally know the real reason why those girls bullied me in the 8th grade or why he dumped me and ran off or why she lied on me?  Why do I have to be aware now after the fact? And why can’t I unsee what I clearly see now?  I don’t want to see these things.  I got so disappointed to the point I even said, God please take it back.  God you disappoint me leaving me with this.  This all has been very, very disappointing. 

No answer back.

The next day, feeling blue and down, I wandered into work at my usual time, determined to not make waves and not annoy anyone further.  I don’t want to see what I can’t unsee.  I go to the break room, make some hot tea.  I go back to my desk and answer emails for 2 hours and forget about the tea.  I just do work methodically. 

I finally look down at my tea.  I see this.  I pause and stare.  Then I just stare and stare and stare. 

I see it.  I really see it.

There is no way.

No way. 

This is not possible. 

This is what I see. 

This is my favorite quote from my favorite poem and it is attached to a favorite memory from my youth.  It is from the Desiderata. The Desiderata is very important to my life and has been for 2 decades now.

There is no way.

No way.

Of all the words in all the world….think of every thing that has ever been written..there is no way, no conceivable way this coincidence occurred just when I was getting really really disappointed in God. 

No way.  No way at all.  There’s no way in my mind that just randomly popped up out of nowhere.  No way. 

That is my favorite quote and I say it all the time. 

It can’t be coincidence. 

There is no way. 

“Know that you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars, you got a right to be here.”

It’s like the universe put that there just for me.

You did hear me and you did answer me…in the best way you could.

And it’s right…I do got a right to be here ….no matter what anybody else thinks or believes.

I got a right to be here.